"fuck the world don't ask me for shit
everything you get you gotta work hard for it"
so the shit hit the fan last wednesday, and due to reasons i will not explain here i am currently a nomad walking the streets of london with this amazing fold-a-travel-bag that akiko bought for me the last time we said our goodbyes. the title for this particular post is a quote from a douglas coupland book that i read a little while back which i always viewed to be overly pessimistic but one that describes perfectly my penchant to over-react. perhaps penchant is the wrong word to describe it, but like i've been saying all along THE FEAR still resides and just when i thought it was starting to really dissipate it started to rise up again in my throat again with a vengeance. cryptic i know, but those of you who know what went down will appreciate why it is that i feel this way.
i have finally found a place to live! after seeing 23 flats, most of them unable to be inhabited by my soon-to-be flatmate (aka. bubble boy) because of his allergies to everything under the sun. of these the most problematic is the dust/mould allergy which in london means that 90% of all the flats i saw were highly unsuitable. the other 10% were either too far, too small, or the area was just plain dodgy (yes, i've started picking up londoner-speak. haha). being an independent single woman who is used to going home late at night on her own it was extremely important that i don't feel like i constantly need to look over my shoulder to see who is walking behind me. in the end, serendipitously (i really love this word) i found a flat that met more of our requirements than any of the others that i had seen thus far, the day prior to me becoming a nomad. i move in this coming sunday, and am extremely excited that finally i will be a resident of this city, and not just a visitor or 'guest' as i have heard myself referred to as recently.
last thursday evening sandra, michelle and i had a lovely japanese bento picnic on top of primrose hill - one of the highest points in london. primrose hill has quickly become my favourite picnic, sun setting/rising watching location, and one of the few places where i feel like i can take as deep a breath as i want. the three of us kicked off our shoes, sipped wine spritzers out of plastic cups while i tried to peel the gum that i'd sat in earlier off the seat of my favourite pinstriped shorts. we dug into our little bentos, had many conversations centering around the subject of balls (all kinds, types, sorts! you know what i'm talking about sand & mich), watched the crowds gather as the sun began to set while nearby listening to a little bongo rhythm group playing in the background... yes yes i like to romanticize my experiences, what can i say!
i spoke to my folks this morning for the first time in nine days. very neglectful and un-filial pietous of me but under the circumstances i really felt i needed to re-group before i called them. my dad is the best inspirational speaker and had many words of encouragement to offer to his eldest daughter.. my mother kept reminding me that as difficult as it may seem for me, a native english speaker in an english speaking nation, i should also consider how difficult it must've been for my folks when they first emigrated to canada with two young children both under the age of 8 years, with the language barrier and lack of family or friends. it humbled me for a second and really helped put things in perspective. i suppose that what they say is true.. we do belong to the spoiled generation. our parents have created opportunities for us that they themselves didn't have, but again and again we take it for granted.
today for the first time since i've arrived in london, i felt some severe pangs of home sickness. i'm so used to my phone ringing off the hook with friends calling to chill, hang out.. go for a quick coffee or sit in the park.. hanging out with my baby sister and discussing the progression of our future...
my lifeline in london has been sandra, mich, art, mona, joe, jeff, J and the biweekly chats that jason and i have has saved me from some very dark (and serious drama queen) moments.
oh, and ms. akiko please play it safe in peru. have the time of your life dearest, and be nice to ken! can't wait to see you in august my love...
the tide is beginning to turn, and it feels so good once it touches my lips.
Monday, 25 June 2007
Monday, 11 June 2007
this is how i roll - the UK edition
a new city, a new life..
it has been just under a month since arriving in london, uk. currently it is about 2:30 am on monday morning and i am suffering from a form of insomnia not experienced since the nights i spent avoiding my thesis during my last year of university. lately, i have become quite the expert in saying something without saying anything at all. with every new day, i fall in love with london just a little bit more but still this nagging sense of fear constantly pulls at my sides. i am quickly realizing that it is simply impossible to communicate important messages simply through the use of words alone. it is perhaps naive of me to hope that the people with whom i share a genuine connection with can simply sense my feelings through osmosis so sitting here listening to squarepusher, i will try my best to express my current state of being.
"Ignore fact and reason, live entirely in the world of your own fantastic and myth-producing passions; do this whole-heartedly and with conviction, and you will become one of the prophets of your age", so said the great bertrand russell.
these are the words that have encouraged me to take the leap and leave the comforts of my beloved toronto, and every day i have to quietly repeat them to myself over and over again so that i may gain the courage that i need to face the obstacles that lay before me. i have always been a dreamer in my core, but the will to follow through have often posed to be problematic. it's funny but despite all my proclamations of self worth and confidence, a resounding fear continues to knaw at me, deep in my bones. i know that i've often been labelled a drama queen - yes this is a fact that i cannot deny. i've tried to change, i really have, but such efforts have proved fruitless so i am forced to work with the person i am - paranoia and all. since i am attempting to reveal myself completely now, i feel it is integral to be as brutally honest as i can be. i wake up in the mornings, smile a little at the thought of me in london, and hit the ground running. i hope for the tide to turn, and each day i feel i have shaken a little more of 'the fear'. having read hunter s. thompson's 'fear and loathing in las vegas' obssessively though i am not on drugs as he was, nevertheless 'the fear' takes hold of me and during these moments i have to stop whatever it is that i'm doing to repeat the mantra once more for good measure..
"Ignore fact and reason, live entirely in the world of your own fantastic and myth-producing passions; do this whole-heartedly and with conviction, and you will become one of the prophets of your age."
i am nothing great, but these words help me see the clearing beyond my immediate surrounding. the hope for the realization of success is out there, and it is helpful that the view gets more clear as time passes.
it's the little things that keeps one going.. the other day as i was riding the tube on my way back to kentish town from london bridge just as my ipod ran out of batteries, serendipitously a flamenco guitarist and his accordian accompaniment jumped into the car and began playing 'la vie en rose'.
i closed my eyes for a while, listening to the music... and for a brief moment i could actually smell the roses..
yes this is london, and i fucking love it here.
it has been just under a month since arriving in london, uk. currently it is about 2:30 am on monday morning and i am suffering from a form of insomnia not experienced since the nights i spent avoiding my thesis during my last year of university. lately, i have become quite the expert in saying something without saying anything at all. with every new day, i fall in love with london just a little bit more but still this nagging sense of fear constantly pulls at my sides. i am quickly realizing that it is simply impossible to communicate important messages simply through the use of words alone. it is perhaps naive of me to hope that the people with whom i share a genuine connection with can simply sense my feelings through osmosis so sitting here listening to squarepusher, i will try my best to express my current state of being.
"Ignore fact and reason, live entirely in the world of your own fantastic and myth-producing passions; do this whole-heartedly and with conviction, and you will become one of the prophets of your age", so said the great bertrand russell.
these are the words that have encouraged me to take the leap and leave the comforts of my beloved toronto, and every day i have to quietly repeat them to myself over and over again so that i may gain the courage that i need to face the obstacles that lay before me. i have always been a dreamer in my core, but the will to follow through have often posed to be problematic. it's funny but despite all my proclamations of self worth and confidence, a resounding fear continues to knaw at me, deep in my bones. i know that i've often been labelled a drama queen - yes this is a fact that i cannot deny. i've tried to change, i really have, but such efforts have proved fruitless so i am forced to work with the person i am - paranoia and all. since i am attempting to reveal myself completely now, i feel it is integral to be as brutally honest as i can be. i wake up in the mornings, smile a little at the thought of me in london, and hit the ground running. i hope for the tide to turn, and each day i feel i have shaken a little more of 'the fear'. having read hunter s. thompson's 'fear and loathing in las vegas' obssessively though i am not on drugs as he was, nevertheless 'the fear' takes hold of me and during these moments i have to stop whatever it is that i'm doing to repeat the mantra once more for good measure..
"Ignore fact and reason, live entirely in the world of your own fantastic and myth-producing passions; do this whole-heartedly and with conviction, and you will become one of the prophets of your age."
i am nothing great, but these words help me see the clearing beyond my immediate surrounding. the hope for the realization of success is out there, and it is helpful that the view gets more clear as time passes.
it's the little things that keeps one going.. the other day as i was riding the tube on my way back to kentish town from london bridge just as my ipod ran out of batteries, serendipitously a flamenco guitarist and his accordian accompaniment jumped into the car and began playing 'la vie en rose'.
i closed my eyes for a while, listening to the music... and for a brief moment i could actually smell the roses..
yes this is london, and i fucking love it here.
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