thinking... always thinking...

it's sunday late afternoon and i am sitting alone at the suck office listening to murs & 9th wonder. there is something a bit beautiful about this day. it's a rare cloudless, sunny day in london and walking up the street along broadway market to work i wished i could join the crowds of people who were sitting on the curb along the pavement (as the brits call sidewalks) enjoying their sunday pint.

this week has been a bit of a weird one -- flashes of ILL (i love london!) moments amongst pangs of homesickness. i landed at gatwick airport on tuesday morning and in an attempt to pinch a few pennies took public transport home. as the no. 48 bus drove along london bridge i peered along the thames river and breathed in london all over again. this is one of my favourite bus journeys in london.







leaving london bridge station and across the thames, it tumbles into the city along bank, past shoreditch and liverpool street before letting me off on hackney road. just a hop skip later, i was back at the studio trying to catch up on two weeks of missed work.

after spending the last six months anxiously awaiting the approval of my work permit as luck would have it my papers were finally approved the day i left for toronto to participate in jinny's wedding. so my one week trip home was extended an extra eight days, giving me the opportunity to tie up loose ends. now back in london i watch the healing process happen before my eyes. old wounds are no longer there making me feel like a snake that has shed its old skin.

the mean reds prevails often still, and i wonder when i'll finally realise
what it's all about.

my best friend's wedding

every close knit group of girl friends (which for me consists of a small-ish number of the most amazing girls anywhere) have had that oh-so-funny discussion about who will be the first one to walk down the aisle. according to my mother, the girl everyone thought would be the first to go usually doesn't at all -- they are the ones who are destined to be the perennial old maid. in our case, we were all right on the money. funnily enough jin is not the most romantically inclined, no great lover of sappy romcoms, or one to speak obssessively about her future wedding as if it were the single greatest event ever in history next to the fall of the berlin wall.

quite the opposite actually.

jinny was the one who was consistently pragmatic about relationships, marriage and all that comes with it. she could give you viewpoints that most women couldn't even wrap their heads around. she is romantic but sensibly so -- never one to expose her inner feelings to the whole world, the way i often do to even to people who don't give a rat's ass.

jinny & alex's serendipitous meeting is one that most women can only hope and dream would happen to them. in fact, you could probably write an incredibly romantic, though entirely unbelivable screenplay based on their chance meeting. i told jinny it's fate, destiny, roses & rainbows! jin gave me a hard look and said 'no honey, it's just love.'

so my best friend is now a mrs. in typical style i was more nervous than she -- jinny single handedly planned this wedding on her own in just a few month's time while her useless maid-of-honour camped out selfishly in london. i have had several moments of 'i am the worst maid of honour ever of all time', not quite ready to accept that my best friend for the last 14 years will soon be a smug married, while i the perennial singleton 'try to convince myself i'm ok being alone' (my flatmate's words, not mine! haha)

the truth is, i was just as excited for jinny's nuptials as she was. perhaps even more so, because in general i am much more excitable than she. i am thankful i get to live it all through her -- the wedding, future pregnancy, followed by the birth of her first daughter whom she will undoubtedly name after me! she is like the big sister i never had, and the truth is as i'm still undecided whether it's something i foresee in my future or not, how better than to watch my best friend go through these passages in her beautiful life with joy in my heart?

dearest jinny & alex -- i wish you both all the happiness that this world & beyond has to offer..

x

something new something borrowed

i realised recently that i've forgotten how to write. there once was a time when the words would just flow -- out of my head, onto the page. it is a rare moment when i am speech-less, thought-less, mind-less. my head is always brimming with thoughts of 'i wonder', 'what if' -- not in regrettable terms but out of sheer curiousity and due to the obssessive nature i know i harbour. i've often chased this idea of clearing one's mind. being an escapist with an obssessive tendency sounds like an oxymoron but i am living proof that both states of being can co-exist relatively harmoniously.

these past eight months have been the most tumultuous and lonely time of my life. the allure of living in a new city in a foreign continent lost its initial lustre several months back, and now i am faced with thinking of london, uk as my second home. my life is once again completely unrecognisable from what it looked like just a year ago, and once again i find myself embarking on yet another new phase in my life. many remnants of my former self remain however.
dependable friendships of over a decade;
the relationship i have not been able to forget, even after all these years;
the taste of my favourite childhood candy remain as a constant reminder that you can never really leave it all behind -- even though sometimes, i wish i could.

then i come to my senses and give thanks for all the memories... the constants... the enduring spirit of the real.