this is how i roll - the UK edition

a new city, a new life..

it has been just under a month since arriving in london, uk. currently it is about 2:30 am on monday morning and i am suffering from a form of insomnia not experienced since the nights i spent avoiding my thesis during my last year of university. lately, i have become quite the expert in saying something without saying anything at all. with every new day, i fall in love with london just a little bit more but still this nagging sense of fear constantly pulls at my sides. i am quickly realizing that it is simply impossible to communicate important messages simply through the use of words alone. it is perhaps naive of me to hope that the people with whom i share a genuine connection with can simply sense my feelings through osmosis so sitting here listening to squarepusher, i will try my best to express my current state of being.

"Ignore fact and reason, live entirely in the world of your own fantastic and myth-producing passions; do this whole-heartedly and with conviction, and you will become one of the prophets of your age", so said the great bertrand russell.
these are the words that have encouraged me to take the leap and leave the comforts of my beloved toronto, and every day i have to quietly repeat them to myself over and over again so that i may gain the courage that i need to face the obstacles that lay before me. i have always been a dreamer in my core, but the will to follow through have often posed to be problematic. it's funny but despite all my proclamations of self worth and confidence, a resounding fear continues to knaw at me, deep in my bones. i know that i've often been labelled a drama queen - yes this is a fact that i cannot deny. i've tried to change, i really have, but such efforts have proved fruitless so i am forced to work with the person i am - paranoia and all. since i am attempting to reveal myself completely now, i feel it is integral to be as brutally honest as i can be. i wake up in the mornings, smile a little at the thought of me in london, and hit the ground running. i hope for the tide to turn, and each day i feel i have shaken a little more of 'the fear'. having read hunter s. thompson's 'fear and loathing in las vegas' obssessively though i am not on drugs as he was, nevertheless 'the fear' takes hold of me and during these moments i have to stop whatever it is that i'm doing to repeat the mantra once more for good measure..

"Ignore fact and reason, live entirely in the world of your own fantastic and myth-producing passions; do this whole-heartedly and with conviction, and you will become one of the prophets of your age."

i am nothing great, but these words help me see the clearing beyond my immediate surrounding. the hope for the realization of success is out there, and it is helpful that the view gets more clear as time passes.

it's the little things that keeps one going.. the other day as i was riding the tube on my way back to kentish town from london bridge just as my ipod ran out of batteries, serendipitously a flamenco guitarist and his accordian accompaniment jumped into the car and began playing 'la vie en rose'.
i closed my eyes for a while, listening to the music... and for a brief moment i could actually smell the roses..

yes this is london, and i fucking love it here.