"you fear that if you lower your guard for even one second your whole world will disintegrate into chaos.."

"fuck the world don't ask me for shit
everything you get you gotta work hard for it"


so the shit hit the fan last wednesday, and due to reasons i will not explain here i am currently a nomad walking the streets of london with this amazing fold-a-travel-bag that akiko bought for me the last time we said our goodbyes. the title for this particular post is a quote from a douglas coupland book that i read a little while back which i always viewed to be overly pessimistic but one that describes perfectly my penchant to over-react. perhaps penchant is the wrong word to describe it, but like i've been saying all along THE FEAR still resides and just when i thought it was starting to really dissipate it started to rise up again in my throat again with a vengeance. cryptic i know, but those of you who know what went down will appreciate why it is that i feel this way.

i have finally found a place to live! after seeing 23 flats, most of them unable to be inhabited by my soon-to-be flatmate (aka. bubble boy) because of his allergies to everything under the sun. of these the most problematic is the dust/mould allergy which in london means that 90% of all the flats i saw were highly unsuitable. the other 10% were either too far, too small, or the area was just plain dodgy (yes, i've started picking up londoner-speak. haha). being an independent single woman who is used to going home late at night on her own it was extremely important that i don't feel like i constantly need to look over my shoulder to see who is walking behind me. in the end, serendipitously (i really love this word) i found a flat that met more of our requirements than any of the others that i had seen thus far, the day prior to me becoming a nomad. i move in this coming sunday, and am extremely excited that finally i will be a resident of this city, and not just a visitor or 'guest' as i have heard myself referred to as recently.

last thursday evening sandra, michelle and i had a lovely japanese bento picnic on top of primrose hill - one of the highest points in london. primrose hill has quickly become my favourite picnic, sun setting/rising watching location, and one of the few places where i feel like i can take as deep a breath as i want. the three of us kicked off our shoes, sipped wine spritzers out of plastic cups while i tried to peel the gum that i'd sat in earlier off the seat of my favourite pinstriped shorts. we dug into our little bentos, had many conversations centering around the subject of balls (all kinds, types, sorts! you know what i'm talking about sand & mich), watched the crowds gather as the sun began to set while nearby listening to a little bongo rhythm group playing in the background... yes yes i like to romanticize my experiences, what can i say!

i spoke to my folks this morning for the first time in nine days. very neglectful and un-filial pietous of me but under the circumstances i really felt i needed to re-group before i called them. my dad is the best inspirational speaker and had many words of encouragement to offer to his eldest daughter.. my mother kept reminding me that as difficult as it may seem for me, a native english speaker in an english speaking nation, i should also consider how difficult it must've been for my folks when they first emigrated to canada with two young children both under the age of 8 years, with the language barrier and lack of family or friends. it humbled me for a second and really helped put things in perspective. i suppose that what they say is true.. we do belong to the spoiled generation. our parents have created opportunities for us that they themselves didn't have, but again and again we take it for granted.

today for the first time since i've arrived in london, i felt some severe pangs of home sickness. i'm so used to my phone ringing off the hook with friends calling to chill, hang out.. go for a quick coffee or sit in the park.. hanging out with my baby sister and discussing the progression of our future...

my lifeline in london has been sandra, mich, art, mona, joe, jeff, J and the biweekly chats that jason and i have has saved me from some very dark (and serious drama queen) moments.

oh, and ms. akiko please play it safe in peru. have the time of your life dearest, and be nice to ken! can't wait to see you in august my love...

the tide is beginning to turn, and it feels so good once it touches my lips.