pieces of you

walking the streets here, i often have moments when i am reminded of someone back home. it may be a cool shop, a great exhibition, a beautiful garden, or a place to quench one's thirst.. these moments help plant my feet firmly into the reality that is my life rather than continuing to feel like i am having an outer body experience. i think of my family daily, and send them secret kisses in my heart - the assurance that somewhere in toronto omma, appa and little jenny will somehow know and feel that right at that moment i am thinking of them, missing them makes me reach out to the heavens with much gratitude...

though i have settled into life in london nicely, i realize that i had severely underestimated how difficult it is to start fresh in a new city, a new country, a new continent. it is really strange that now i am the one with an accent, i am the one who has to explain why i have moved from my home, i am the one who is asked whether i miss my friends and family, i am the one who is asked how long i plan on staying here. i revel in this feeling of being a fish out of water though and i am trying to make it now on land. having eaten humble pie, sometimes more than i would have liked, i am nevertheless thankful for this experience because i feel i am growing to be a more empathetic, not just tolerable, person. during my days of growing pains in canada i often heard that tolerance is the key to a happy nation. recently however, i feel this statement grossly neglects the fact that tolerating something does not equal one's acceptance of it. it is much easier to be tolerant than it is to put forth acceptance.

since i am one of those who never feels like they are really living unless they are faced with a struggle - at times frustrating my own self by creating problems where really there are none to be had - being alone and just surviving in a new place is exhilirating. i feel that up until this point i have simply tolerated my life and now, finally i accept it as mine....

what a beautiful thought

the conquest of happiness

"my purpose is to suggest a cure for the ordinary day-to-day unhappiness from which most people in civilized countries suffer, and which is all the more unbearable because, having no obvious external cause, it appears inescapable."
--bertrand russell

weaving in & out of extreme happiness and severe discouragement (but mostly, i am really really happy) has presented a type of dichotomy that has been all too apparent throughout my life. i thought to myself the other day that there is something to be said for such significant disparities which exist in one's being. one minute i feel so happy i feel like my heart will burst out of my chest then i turn a corner and i am again faced with the perils of living in my head.

now, cryptically speaking without giving much away this is my current state. the ultimate goal now is to somehow, in someway conquer happiness so that i don't have to keep digging myself out of the depths of my own mind.

i just wish i wouldn't keep hearing these words in my head..
"there's not a joy the world can give like that it takes away,
when the glow of early thought declines in feeling's dull decay."
--lord byron

wow, that sounds a lot more depressing written out then it did when the words were just floating around in my mind.!! in my head these words seemed beautiful and pensive...
ok ok, i'll take my head out of the clouds now!

baby, you're the dogs bollocks

so i heard this phrase for the first time recently, and i have to say i was perplexed, confused and bewildered. the time i have spent in london thus far have been filled with questions like "what?", "huh?", and "whas that?". the brits call barbecues barbies, lemonade actually means sprite (still need to find out what they call actual lemonade), it is bad form to call someone a wanker unless the person is really wretched, people aren't broke here, they're skint, i have to repeat myself a few times when asking for water ("excuse me, can i have some wa'er") so that i don't end up with white wine instead. there are times when i feel a bit like an alien out here - a strange feeling to have when you are in an english speaking country - but there is something to be said for being a stranger in a new place. for once i am the one with the accent and i can walk the streets of london in complete anonymity/obscurity without any fear of recognition (aside from a freak meeting with mikey's friends victor and george in trafalgar square on canada day).

here's to being a legal alien in london!

cheers to that!